From Grief to Grace

Finding freedom through God’s healing love.

From Grief to Grace: Part 1

Finding freedom through God’s healing love.

There was a promise that I so desired to obtain. One that was only possible through Him.

But I had to want it and desire it so immensely that I would fight for it and go to the ends of the earth in the hopes that I would.

For the last 40 years, it has sat under the surface, stealing my peace, health, and ability to truly see myself as the daughter of the Almighty King, to recognise that my identity is in Him and not in the victim that I was.

So, in early 2022, when I desperately cried, "Tell me what to do, and I will do it," God heard and took my word for it. Because suffering had become more than just a heavy cross to carry, I believed I had to accept it willingly. This cross was crushing me.

I didn't have the strength to carry it any more. It wasn't mine to carry, and Jesus certainly didn't want me to carry it. It was never His plan for me. His plan for me was interrupted by the abuse I received from other people. But through His mercy and love for me, even the deepest wounds can be healed and turned into something holy and good that glorifies the Lord.

The trauma that I had experienced had left me numb, feeling like an empty shell of the person I had never had the chance to be. I struggled to know who I was, and I would often go from feeling completely numb and needing to feel pain to feeling so incredibly overwhelmed with pain (that I had no idea where it was coming from) that I would often dissociate or find other ways to numb it.

Abuse and trauma had shattered the very core of who I am. The damage it had caused was not something that I could just “snap out of” or think “positive thoughts” with a side of antianxiety and antidepressants.

My soul was suffering. I was bleeding all over the place. I was trapped in my body, which constantly betrayed me. My memories were buried so deep they were blurry or were not there at all. And while I couldn't remember for a very long time, one thing was certain: my body sure did.

My heart and soul remembered.

And God knew. He is my witness.

Every time I received abuse, Jesus Christ was right next to me. I was never alone. In fact, Jesus was in me, receiving the abuse against me, and He has been patiently waiting for me to turn to Him, in complete truth, seeking to be healed.

People have prayed for my healing for years, but I had to be the one who truly wanted healing and ask for it. I had to be willing to do the hard work and persevere to stay in the fight on the battlefield. I had suffered for so long, and the enemy wasn't going to allow me to work on the process of healing easily.

My wounds had become convenient for many people, which the enemy liked. He wanted me to stay exactly where I was because where I was wasn't going to get me to where I desired to be (with our Lord).

These wounds that I had been carrying around for decades had built up a wall around my heart and between God and myself. It was preventing me from having an authentic and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. And if I think that I desire intimacy with Him, He desires it for me even more so.

To begin my healing journey, I had to surrender and give God my biggest "fiat." This was it—all or nothing. I had to be all in and ready to go wherever He was sending me. I had to trust. And I did.

Just days before Christmas 2022, God gave me an opportunity He and I knew I couldn’t refuse. I was where He needed me to be. As new memories began to surface, I struggled with understanding what the next steps forward should be.

I received my answer almost immediately.

From Grief to Grace: Part 2

Finding freedom through God’s healing love.

Grief to Grace is a five-day programme of spiritual and psychological healing for abuse survivors. Participants are taken on a journey of healing through the Living Scriptures, where they encounter first-hand the deep love that our Lord, Jesus Christ, has for them and the desire that He has for all of us to be set free from the wounds that have held us in chains for far too long.

The participants are supported and guided with care by a team of trained professionals and volunteers. Each member's dignity is upheld and respected, their trauma acknowledged, and their stories heard. They are given a voice, which is often taken away and silenced, continuing the cycle of abuse.

But through Grief to Grace, we are given our voices back and the permission to express our justified anger. For years, we have been forced to bury our anger for various reasons. For myself, it was fear of rejection and of not being heard. It was the fear of being manipulated and being made vulnerable again to abuse.

Leading up to Grief to Grace, I had spent the previous 12 months working with my spiritual director in preparation. I knew I was entering a battle—the battle of all battles. My biggest hurdles were consistency and remaining in the fight, allowing myself to surrender and trust the process. I didn’t come this far in my journey to allow the enemy to defeat me and have his day.

No. I was determined, and God had sent help my way through people He had placed around me who would support, pray, and love me through my most testing times. Not only had He placed these people in my life, but God was slowly building my strength by loving me and showing me my worthiness through them.

As the date for my retreat approached, spiritual battles and warfare increased significantly. The enemy was not happy with God's plans. I held on tightly to God, trusting He would get me through this.

And He did.

I arrived at Grief to Grace on the Divine Mercy Sunday, hopeful of God's healing promise.

My time at Grief to Grace will never adequately be put into words that would do it justice.

My wounds were ripped open, and I was nailed to the cross with Jesus, with a promise of a resurrection that has been fulfilled.

It was earth-shattering. It broke and shattered all my perceptions about myself and the world. The walls crumbled, and I was eventually able to receive that love. For the first time, I experienced what it was like to truly obtain a father's love. I didn't know I could be loved like that. I didn't know love like that existed in this world.

Jesus beckoned and drew me in through His love and desire to dwell within my soul. His love for me became incredibly bright and brilliant, like the sun's rays, and so did my love and desire for Him. I often found myself, multiple times a day, in the Chapel at the foot of the cross. There, I placed everything I was carrying at His feet.

Jesus received my tears, burdens, fears, weakness, sufferings, and pain. But He also received my surrender, joy, love, and adoration. This is where my relationship with Jesus Christ deepened into new depths. The wall between us was crumbling.

At the foot of the cross, I received His immense love, clarity, healing and rest. The cross is my new compass instead of my shame.

Jesus Christ has crowned me in great strength and dignity.

I know now to whom I belong. He is my beloved. And I am His—a daughter of the Almighty King.

Now I can breathe.

I am free.

First published at www.catholicexchange.com. Updated and republished with permission.